To date online, or not, that is the question.

So in these modern times where you can pick out a dress, shoes and lingerie, custom build your dream car, decorate your apartment and order your dinner online in the same evening, it was only a matter of time before we sped up the dating process and started to shop for a mate. It took me a long time to decide to try it. I felt like deciding to try online dating meant admitting that I had failed. Failed at what exactly, I'm not sure. Perhaps failed at being charming enough to make someone love me. I had all the initial worries: is it safe? how weird will it be? will they tell the truth? are all the guys losers? And of course the biggest fear...does this make me a loser? My first attempt at the virtual search for a soul mate was with Match.com. Big mistake.

Match.com turned out to be nothing more than an online bar. The men I met lied on their profile most of the time. Usually about the most basic things, like being a positive person than proving to hate everything about world including the restaurants they picked to go to and wanting to stiff the waitress who had put up with them for an hour. They also managed to find the only photo taken in their entire lives that made them look handsome. Meeting in person turned out to be the equivalent to the ugly lights coming on after last call. Only it was at the beginning of the date. NO one looked like their photo. I quickly abandoned this experiment and went back to living my life and hoping that fate would somehow intervene.

My last heartbreak took a while to get over. I needed to be on my own for some time. After about 7 months I discovered that while I had been mourning the loss and figuring out what I wanted and who I was now, he was getting married. Less than a year after we broke up. That discovery catapulted me into the brutal reality that I had to get back out there. I mean if that selfish loser was getting married, there was absolutely no reason I couldn't have a boyfriend. So this time I was serious. I paid the money, filled out the personality tests, promised my first born child would do the commercials and got on eharmony. Now I will say, eharmony was 10 times better than match.com. Whatever the mathematical equation is behind their software, it does seem to work. Every date I went on lead to great conversations and it was easy to find something in common. And there's the new urban legend encouraging you. Every woman has a friend who met a man on eharmony and now they are married. I became the Queen of First Dates. Every week I had something to look forward to, and an excuse to go shopping for new outfits. And while all of them were pleasant, sparks were not flying. It couldn't help but feel like an interview at times. Then I met Batman.

Batman is a lawyer, with a house that is full of every modern gadget imaginable, his office looks like mission control with three computer screens the size of my television set, a master bedroom the size of one whole floor of his home, a bath tub the size of a swimming pool, and a sports car that was coined the bat mobile. That is why how he got this nickname. (BTW I think one of the reasons I come up with a nickname for each man I date early on is an attempt of not getting too attached for a while. It's also convenient for alias') So Batman and I hit it off on our first date. We have a great time and he wants to see me again. On our second date he takes me to a fantastic restaurant in NW and by the end of the evening he is inviting me to go to a wedding with him that's coming up. Now you are thinking one of two things: Wow that sounds great! or Whoa too much too soon! Decide where you stand now and you may learn something.

We date for a month and by the time the wedding weekend is approaching I am aware of a serious red flag. He drinks more than anyone I have ever met. One of the reasons I have avoided sleeping with him so far is by then of our date he's about to pass out due to the amount of vodka he has consumed. Then the night finally comes that I decide to sleep with Batman. I felt like I should take this important step before I went away with him for a wedding weekend. And I discover his super power....lightning speed. No time for forplay when there is an oragasm to reach!

Needless to say this was dissappointing, but I did what every singla gal would do when she finally meets a nice man who takes her out to fancy places, and comes with a law degree, a house and a sports car. We tell ourselves we can "work on it." "It will get better" "It was just the first time". Well by the 4th time, let me repeat, it is only 4th time, he shocks me with the request to....my god I don't think I can write it for the virtual world do see. Let's put it this way, he wants to "enter the batcave." The man whose idea of forplay is 4 martinis wants to go where no large object should ever go. I politely decline through a series of high pitched: "Oh no, no, no, no, no, I don't do that, no, no, no thank you, um no's". Not long after this conversation he proceeds to try and go for it anyway! I nearly punched him. Then called an emergency brunch of my 3 best girl friends.

During the course of the emergency brunch conversation we way all the options. To do up the butt and possibly end up with a rich man, with a house, a sports car, a spa for a bathroom, etc. Or not. I am proud to say I opted for NOT. There was also the question of the wedding which was coming up the following weekend. Do I risk going away with this man or not. I ultimately decided to go to the wedding, where I am thankful to say we had very drunkin, short, boring, REGULAR sex. After the weekend did not call one another again. My reasons for not calling are obvious. However, I was a bit sursprised he didn't call me either. My theory is that he is gay. He had to get drunk to have sex, and my refusal to allow him to penetrate my tush was a deal breaker. Batman was the LAST man I ever dated who I met online.

Lessons Learned: 1) Not to date online.
2) Turns out there is no amount of money in the world tht would get me to say yes to doing it up the butt.